The name is Jayden.
Where do I begin with who I am. I am everyone, I am no one; I am just like anyone reading this blog.. Which is entirely why I am writing it. I’m a preacher’s daughter! I’m currently a college student. I have big responsibilities and high standards to live up to. You’ve probably seen me at parties; the rest of you have seen me at church. I laugh so hard I can’t breathe most of the time but no one ever has seen the nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve lived a wonderful life full of many blessings, I’ve been content. But I have also been broken, beat down, and walked on. I’ve reached many highs but have also seen the lowest of lows. I am FRAGILE. But what does it even mean to be fragile? Fragile is when something and/or someone is: “not strong or sturdy; to be delicate and vulnerable... is easily destroyed.” For those who do and those who don’t know me.. I have grown up my entire life in a Christian household. There were a lot of rules, many restrictions, and a lot of boundaries. Living in an Evangelists home, not all of these came from my parents but from the many people who heard of me from my dad as he spoke around the world. I remained so faithful to the God, I claimed to serve! Or at least that’s what I thought and had many others convinced of as well. All throughout my life, even through high school, I maintained a clean slate! I followed all of the rules and lived the way I was supposed to. I was a leader on the worship team and my whole life was a platform of success! I was cheer captain, homecoming queen... I was blessed with the opportunities most could only dream of! Worship was the one thing I cared about more than anything and after receiving news that I wasn’t going to be able to attend school for it, the summer after high school, I became angry. “God, if this is what you want from me... Why would you take it away?” It was then that I realized I had no morals of my own, no rules for myself and without the guidance of others, I had nothing. It was then that I decided to do the very things I had always worked so hard to refrain from. I pushed away everyone who tried to love me, instead I was seeking satisfaction and pleasure from a world that offered that only part time. The parties made me feel important, everyone was so excited to see me there (probably because they never had before). It was a nonstop battle between my parents and I. I didn’t want anyone telling me what to do, ‘I knew what was best for myself’ and I packed up my favorite belongings and moved in with a friend. I’d given up the one thing I had cherished the most, my virtue. I felt guilty, ashamed and lost. “God doesn’t want me, He doesn’t care about me... that’s why He didn’t open the door for me to go to that school.” I gained nearly 50 pounds within two months. The laughter had disappeared, my friends pleaded for the old me to come back, and I felt unworthy of love. I didn’t even love myself, in fact I hated myself! I was so lost; so hurt. After coming home and finally allowing my parents back in, I shared with them the truth of what I had done. It was absolutely terrifying! My dad took me with him to a young adult’s conference he was speaking in Georgia. I made a pact with God one Sunday at the alter, I was refusing to go home the same person that I had come. I was kind of dreading it, wishing that it would end soon so I could go sit down but I felt as though I should wait a little bit longer. I closed my eyes and started singing, words to a song that I had never heard before. I felt love! For the first time, I felt beautiful... I felt worthy! I was fragile but I was no longer broken. Months later, and I still am FRAGILE. We are all fragile! We have all been hurt and some of us, more than others are on the verge of breaking. Maybe it’s because you were broken in the past, that you’re not strong. Maybe you’ve never been broken but it would take only a few words or one wrong action to penetrate the thick walls you’ve been hiding behind. Maybe it is both and you’re vulnerable to the surrounding threats because you no longer know how to protect yourself; you’ve given up! You’re not alone! I am not a blogger, I am not even a good writer but I am human and I am only here to share with you what might save you, not only from others but most importantly from yourself. Together we are fragile but we are not broken!
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