Over the last couple of years, I’ve come to understand how easy it is to get lost in life.
There is always something to blame for why I didn’t do something. For years I have been trying to get myself back in front of this laptop and I could sit here and come up with a million reasons why I haven’t. When I don’t go to the gym, I could blame it on just about anything else in my life. When my house is a mess and my life is shambles, I’m sure that I can find something to pin it on and if we’re being honest, these days it’s usually because i’m a mom. That’s always the reason I don’t get something done now. I get lost in this new role that I am learning. As humans, we are natural chameleons. We are constantly camouflaging ourselves into our surroundings. We scroll for hours through our social media pages, hitting the refresh button to check our updated ratings, just to see what everyone else thinks about what we’re doing. Then we find ourselves discouraged when someone else is doing better. Well, I must not be pretty enough and my body must not be nice enough and my life just isn’t good enough. We filter our way through life, trying to make everything look a certain way just so we can feel seen. We get lost in our mind and in our feelings. This is a BIG one for me because I am such a feeler! OMG.. I wish I felt a fourth of what I feel sometimes! I am such an emotional person. It takes one word to either make me or break me and what someone says can stay with me for days and weeks and really, forever.. We are living in one of the darkest times because so many people are stuck in the stickiest parts of their minds. Depression and anxiety are whispering these songs of torment into the ears of anyone that will listen. I’m watching so many that I know and love struggle to silence the voices of my old friends and I want to help anyone who is willing to let me try. I want to help silence the voices that try to tell us that we are not enough and speak life back into the most broken places of our beings. At the end of the day, the place that I have found myself the most lost in, is in my role as a mom and I think a lot of people lose themselves here too. I get lost in my routines, in the day to day running around and trying to keep up. I get lost in the mess, not just the toys and the trash and the drool but the actual mess that I am. When I say mess, I mean when I haven’t shaved or worse, when I haven’t even showered.. when I am breaking out and my messy bun really pushes the limits of what a messy bun should look like! I mean, they call it a messy bun but how messy is too messy?? This is a question I ask myself a few times a week, day. I find myself so busy, especially being a working mom and I have found myself just living to do what needs to be done and trying to figure what makes the list of most important. Sometimes that includes the gym but most of the time it doesn’t. Sometimes eating barely makes the list. So how in the world am I supposed to sit down and write? Hah. Well today, I’m doing the thing and not just for me but for you. The you that is taking the few minutes you have to read this, even if you’re having to read it in small increments throughout the week! I want you to feel seen for the first time in a long time. I want you to feel known and understood because while we’re all struggling in a lot of the same ways, we somehow convince ourselves that it’s just us and that we have to keep up or catch up with everyone else! I’m here to tell you that you’re doing fine. You’re crushing it! Your instagram may not have a color scheme or a theme and that's fine. You are beautiful. You don’t have to look a certain way and you don’t need to use a filter. You’re not failing because your baby is wearing Walmart. They’re going to get messed up and they’ll grow out of them soon anyways. If your house is a mess, welcome to the majority! The people you’re striving to be like, don’t have it all together either. We are ALL struggling! So welcome to the mess, the chaos. We’ve been waiting for you or at least I have and I’m always glad to know its not just me. You are not alone and I am so sorry for the person reading this who is hurting, overwhelmed, frustrated, bitter, and/or anxious. I see you. I’ve been you, sometimes I still am you. Forgive me for not being here sooner but I am here now and I’m going to try to be here often. Welcome to my mess, cheers to 2022! xoxoxo!
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Suicide,
I hope you weren’t expecting a more warm welcome. My hatred for you runs deep. Your name makes me sick and your company has pushed me past my limit. Are you happy having your name on billboards and plastered across every screen? Do you feel accomplished as people across the globe scroll through their newsfeeds reading about the affect you’ve had. It seems as though a new face with the same story is uncovered every day, telling the tale of your accomplishments. While you gloat, my goosebumps nearly tear through the skin tissue they lie beneath. My heart physically aches for those that have found themselves tangled up in your lies and those still bundled up by the things you have disguised as truth. You are smart. You have used depression and anxiety as a gateway to your counsel. You make them do the dirty work while you camouflage yourself into what looks like freedom. I have stared into the dark depths of your existence and I have entertained your presence while you have continuously tried to manipulate me. Your friend depression held me captive. There were so many nights that I would lie awake, begging for the pain to stop. There were mornings where my body fell limp and melted into the mattress like a memory foam. The sheets embraced me and the terrifying regret I would later feel about wasting another day in bed seemed more comforting than the idea of getting up, getting ready and facing another day of disappointment. To hear someone ask me how I was doing when the truth would never make sense and “I’m good” was all they were anticipating to hear anyhow. People ask but a lot of people don’t care. They ask because they feel like they’re supposed to, that is the polite thing to do. Unless you’ve ever felt empty, you can never really recognize what it’s like to not be full. Crying, it started to feel normal. Depression convinced me that feeling sad was normal. Crying myself to sleep and waking up with swollen eyes was routine for me. Depression didn’t follow me though. Depression would wait for me. If I had to go to work or I had to appear somewhere outside the four walls of my bedroom, I really was fine. It wasn’t a mask that I was putting on and it wasn’t a smile that I was faking. You see suicide, I knew about you and I had become your acquaintance but I never wanted anyone else to meet you. I thought maybe if someone had to go, if it was written down somewhere that suicide was going to kidnap the soul of someone than maybe it could be me and it wouldn’t have to be someone else. If I went out, I gave my best. I was my kindest, I was the most understanding and the least judgmental because I was determined to make sure that no one else I knew ever found themselves in conversation with you. I wanted to make them happy, to be that ear that would listen and the heart that genuinely cared. Every shift came to an end and I would end up home with depression and he would tell me all of the things I wanted to hear. That no one loved me, that I was never going to be good enough and that my dreams were too big. He reminded me of all the things that I hated about myself. He would often times lead me to a mirror and point out every flaw and then some until flaws were all I could identify. Then depression would invite anxiety. Anxiety came less often. She didn’t have to come often because her visits were more impressionable. Depression would make me feel sad because of everything I couldn’t do but anxiety is the reason I ever believed that I couldn’t. Anxiety is why depression stayed the night. Its like watching a scary movie as a child and sneaking into your parents room for comfort. Anxiety came with fear. She would present to me my goals, my dreams, my accomplishments and she would show me how far behind I was. She liked to intimidate me. She’d come out of no where, uninvited. Depression seemed to bring me peace. After panic attacks, depression would come and slow me down. Depression felt like acceptance and crying myself to sleep felt more peaceful than my previous gasps for air and elevated heart rates. I blamed insecurity for ever introducing me to depression, who later invited anxiety. They must have talked about me and bragged about the success they were having because hopelessness got a hold of me. Hopelessness almost got me. He took everything that I had and left me weak. It was the idea that nothing was ever going to get better and nothing was going to change that got me twisted. All of my longing to protect other people seemed unrealistic and unsuccessful. My writing was never going to get better, my words were never going to connect and my existence was simply useless. I recall even sharing with a person or two that I was simply a waste of space. I started to believe that I was just in the way and that I was just taking up oxygen. I started disappearing. The days weren’t going to get better and I was never going to get closer. This feeling was never going to go away and that was when they told me about you. They gave me a business card and they appeared to be helping me but I know now that this was always the plan. None of you are friends, you are business partners and depression is simply the face of your campaign. Suicide, you’ve hosted too many funerals and you’ve made headlines too many times. You’ve camouflaged your system with ‘overdose’ when celebrities have tried to temporarily escape your prison with other forms of poison. You have manipulated a generation that just wants to feel beautiful, loved, accepted, and capable. You have used rape, abuse, bullying, money, and power to prey on your victims. You have divided families, friends, and you have turned women against men. Enough is enough. You have no power over me! You did not win and never again will I find peace in your name. I will spend the rest of my life unveiling your tricks and shedding light to your lies. I will live a life of love and I will be successful. I am beautiful and I am strong. I hope someday you lie awake, fearing the future in my name and that you cry yourself to sleep because of me. 2018. Finally. I could easily sit here and list a number of reasons that I absolutely despised 2017 but that's not really the point of this blog. Nor would that be the truth. There were a lot of things that happened last year that weren't fun, growing pains never really are, but it was good for me. So where do I start? Well, lets start at the beginning of last year because I still get a lot of questions, funny looks, and my name probably makes the list at girls night or even guys night maybe when people I know get together.. Wasn't I engaged? Oh yeah, I totally forgot. I am so glad you guys reminded me because it literally slipped my mind. Seriously? I don't know if you're asking because you're curious or because you think I accidentally missed my own wedding? Whatever. YES! The answer is yes. I was engaged and no I didn't forget, unfortunately that's not really one of the scenario's you can slip under the rug. Or maybe, I just need to get a bigger rug?If one of you knows where I can find one, please do let me know. Anyways. Obviously I'm not married and I'm definitely not engaged anymore. Things didn't work out. Things don't always work out. Secrets don't make friends and they definitely don't make spouses. I have dreamt my whole life of what love should look like, I have never expected prince charming to come knocking at my door with a glass slipper but I have always expected love to be patient, kind, gracious, forgiving, selfless, you know.. the way God loves us. I have always dreamt of someone who put God's heart first, who knew how to love me because He understood the love of the Father. Although calling off an engagement was probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, I would rather be the topic of gossip than risk losing the life I know God has in store for me and the person, I have always believed God set aside for me. So let's leave that one there because I am not angry, I am not bitter. In fact I am so happy and I feel so blessed. I have never been more grateful for closed doors. Next up, BEAUTY SCHOOL. What a wreck. If you've ever been there then you understand the whole beauty school drop out thing. Its literally terrifying. You can know someone and not even recognize them the next day because they literally paint a new face on physically and emotionally every other day, I never knew how many more colors existed until I saw them all displayed on different people's heads, every once in a while.. one person would model them all, via foe hawk It's crazy. Did I mention, they're vicious? They'll bite your hand off if you get to close or look at them to long, it's a zoo minus the fences. Why aren't there fences? There should really be fences.. Still thanking God I made it out in one piece and without rainbow hair. If I am being completely honest, I think I contemplated quitting at least once a week. The minute you walk in there is this chameleon poison in the air and it's extremely hard to avoid becoming just like every other person in that building. It's hard to not draw your eyebrows on thicker, to not make your smokey eye darker, to not make your tips red, or green, blue, or purple. It's hard to be the only person not wearing extensions. Should I have extensions? Maybe I should like shave my head, or do a cool design though? OMGOSH, I HAVE TO WEAR THOSE KNEE HIGH BLACK BOOTS, because duh, they'll match all of my other black stuff that I have to wear. Your soul becomes as black as your closet (if you didn't know, you literally do have to wear all black ALL the time). It is so hard to just stay sweet and stay gracious in a black hole like beauty school and all sarcasm aside, I am truly grateful to be out of that atmosphere. I crave sincerity, I want friends that want to see me succeed and that can encourage me as I encourage them. I want friends that are lifelong, that see more than just what is right in front of them, someone with dreams. Don't get me wrong, I met AMAZING people but spiritually, it was the most discouraging time of my life. So that basically sums up the time that y'all have missed. Aside from that, on a real note now.. I have spiritually had the hardest time going deeper. I have allowed myself to drift and to become dry. I have felt Godless for a while now. In the midst of my discouragement, in the midst of my bitterness, I have allowed myself to become numb to Him. I haven't blamed Him for my struggles but I've felt abandoned. I have felt neglected. I have felt like my ministry plans and hopes have dried up, I have felt like my purpose has withered away.
I have allowed my emptiness in this world to determine my destiny. I have allowed that feeling of loneliness to define my position in His presence. I have allowed peoples' discouragement to become my belief system . I have allowed my comfort zone to defeat my purpose. I refuse to live a life of regret. Does that mean I am going to live recklessly and choose to overlook the guilt and shame of my decisions? No. I am choosing to live a life that is not defined by regrets. I am choosing to live a life that is Godly, that is honorable, a life that I don't have to feel sorry for, that I don't have to blame Vegas for. I want to live a life and make decisions that I don't have to leave behind every year because I'm so disgusted by who I have been, so much so that I try to redefine myself every 365 days. It's not about a new year or a new me. I read a scripture that has changed everything for me, "Remember these things Jacob, for you, Isreal, are my servant; Isreal, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." "I WILL NOT FORGET YOU." We serve a gracious God, one that loves us amidst our mess. He is not above forgiving us. So if you've read this, forgive yourself for whatever you have allowed to weigh on you, whatever regrets you have, whatever mistakes you've made. Allow Him to love you, to forgive you, and to make you new so that you can start a life above regrets. So glad to be back, tune in next time! Leave comments and contact me if you want a topic covered by me! Holy cow.. It's been a long time. I can't believe the number of visits my site still gets every day which is so humbling to me, it's such a blessing that you guys not only support me but that you guys can relate or that my blogs can be encouraging to you! I'm back though and hopefully for good. This blog should inform you a little bit about why I've not spent much time updating these and keeping up with you all. So, something happened to me today. It hit me so hard that here I am, after months of not blogging, telling you all about it! After taking my client to her dentist appointment (I am a full time caregiver, for those of you who didn't know that- now you know.. OOPS! ), we went to Starbucks. I needed my fix, again... OOOOOPS! Haha. I'll be cliche for a second and say, I'm sorry I'm not sorry. Anyways, I order and after waiting a few minutes in line, it's my turn. With my Starbucks app in hand, ready to go and my stomach filled with butterflies, ready to destroy this coffee frappuccino, she gave me my drink and said have a good day. I probably gave her one of those looks that was unintentionally dirty, out of utter confusion because she wasn't asking for my money. I reached out my phone anyways and just smiled. Then she smiled back at me and said it was already paid for, by the guy in the car that was in front of me. Now I've heard of this happening to other people but come on, these things just don't happen to me. I looked at my coffee, back at the girl, at my client Emilee.. then back at my coffee, back at the girl, and again turned to Emilee. I repeated this awkward sequence over and over, out of total surprise. I could not believe it! How did he know? So I'm writing this to you, sir. How did you know? How did you know that I haven't been paid in a month and a half due to mixed information with the company I work for and the card company. How did you know that the only reason that I have any money at all, strictly for food and for gas was given to me by my parents for the first time in the 8 months I have lived here. How did you know that the only reason I could even afford an almost $5 coffee, without feeling bad for spending money on it was because of gift cards that people had given to me. How did you that I cried myself to sleep last night, that I couldn't stop long enough to even fall asleep until about 4 in the morning. How did you know that I slept for only 2 hours before having to be at work? How did you know that I needed this coffee to even make it through the day, much less through the rest of the week. How did you know that paying for my coffee would change everything? I've given everything, my whole life to help others... to encourage others. Any bit of motivation and energy I have, I have used to give others some. Please hear my heart because I don't say this to brag about myself.. But I've lived my life to always make others feel better about themselves. I've tipped people more than I can afford to, more than the average 15-20% regardless of good the service so that they have the money to come get themselves a cup of coffee when they want to. How did you know that I beat myself up every day because I can't afford to go to college? How did you know that I'v been so weary, that I've been so broken, and that I've been so overwhelmed. How did you know that I am only 19 years old, working positions, responsibly with more hours than most adults? Sir.. Don't get me wrong my life is not this bad, I promise you. In fact my life is exactly as I want it to be. Because this is what life is all about, helping others and loving people, as a whole. But it is no less tiring and I have never come across anyone who has ever been that for me. I would be far more miserable if I had chosen the life I wanted, the life I planned because it was for me and no one else. I don't really believe that you knew any of these things but you were the answer to them. When I am weary, I'll think of you and the power of our actions. I will think of the depth that our decisions have. When I'm tired and feel as though my efforts are taken advantage of, I'll think of you and how it feels on the other end of love. Not just loving but being loved. So thank you. I hate that I have no idea who you are and I wish more than anything that this blog could find its way to you so that you knew how much I truly appreciate what you did for me, regardless of how small you might have thought this was. I pray that God reveals himself to you in a way that He never has before, if you've ever even encountered Him at all. I pray that someone would be to you, what you were for me, multiplied by 1000. I pray that you never reach the lows that I have and that your struggles would be mine, that I would take your place. I pray that you are blessed and that you would always live a life spent helping others, the way that you helped me today. Chivalry is not dead, neither is every other good thing that society has learned to live without. So on that note, to everyone else who has been left feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, overworked, weary, taken advantage of, to those of you who are confused with your purpose and the plan that God has for your life, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. How do I know? Because even I am in the same boat. Who would have thought right, that the perfect pastor's kids could ever possibly go through struggles and stress. This is not necessarily a Biblical thing nor is it fact so don't take my words out of context but I firmly believe that God is about to reveal himself to this generation, in a way He hasn't yet. I firmly believe that this darkness and this stand still we're all in, will begin to make sense. The confusion is about to be broken. I firmly believe that God has a plan for this generation, including myself that doesn't yet make sense but that will. So i encourage you guys to hold on, to use this desperation not for attention or for pity but for God size answers. God is waiting for a generation to get so desperate that when He waves the flag, we're ready. This is a time of preparation and positioning, so instead of becoming weary, find strength in Him. Don't get discouraged but seek him, pursue Him. I hope and pray that reading this refreshes you, the way a free cup of coffee would.
You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are important, you have a purpose. Blessing others is a part of that purpose, loving people, ALL people, including those who wrong us, is a part of that purpose. No one runs a race without practice, without preparation and I promise you that you cannot fulfill what God has called you to do until you are willing to live a life that honors what Christ did. It's Easter time, so we've reminisced about the story of a man who died on the cross for our sins, trading mercy for shame, grace for our sinful nature. But that's not the whole story. There was a story behind the man that died on that cross, we are quick to celebrate His birth, mourn His death, and glorify His resurrection but this same man lived His life serving others, loving others, praying for others, and blessing others. He was fair to both those deserving and those undeserving, alike. He lived a life free of gossip, free of judgement, free of unforgiveness, The greatest act of ministry is not taken through our qualification but through our position, not our job but our placement. Where God has you right now, is where He wants you and what you do with your current opportunity is up to you. Then I promise you that someday God will honor your faithfulness to Him and your life will become a pedestal for the "How did you know" generation that's next. "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things. Those who belong to christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there" (Galatians 5:22-24) NLT Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
You go through things that you truly don't understand, no matter how hard you try to. It becomes easy to let the process discourage you. (When I refer to a process, I'm truly referring to the journey, the in-between. Not the beginning, not the finish line but the journey that gets you from point A to point Z. ) Moving to Springfield is apart of that journey for me. God made it so that home, stopped feeling like home. I didn't have a purpose there anymore, my time there was finished. Through this blog, as readers you guys have experienced the many adventures I've had and the many trials I have faced, throughout this process. As I have come to create a life here, I have come to discover myself and the life that God has destined me for. I am learning daily that I missed the point.. Coming here was not reaching the promise land. My destiny wasn't on the other end of the VERY long car ride and my future wasn't waiting for me. This too, is a part of the journey. In fact it is only a stop along the way! Ive realized that I won't ever actually find myself and that when I do come to the realization of who I truly am, there will be no need for me anymore and my journey will be over. Life is a journey, life is process filled with experiences that get us to another point on the map. Too many times we expect answers, we expect success and understanding before it is necessary. In life, we change. Daily, the person that we are is altered by our experiences. We often times, find ourselves waiting for the day that our purpose is revealed and if you wait until then to challenge yourself and become something great, you will have wasted a wonderful life, only to become nothing at all. Each day is a new opportunity to achieve greatness! Each day holds the opportunity to be the best you, that you have ever been. Now let me tell you this, coming here changed everything. I am still struggling to get these big girl pants up but I'm working on it. IT IS LONELY, oh my gosh, it is so lonely. Every other day I feel like I am bawling my eyes out and begging to go home. I am exhausted because working 65- sometimes 70 hours a week, is overwhelming. It was a game changer when I realized that this life deserves the best me, every day that goes into it. But it has also been one of the most refreshing things, knowing that I am exactly where I need to be at this rate. So what, I just work at the mall working retail. So what, I don't have a place of my own. I'm not a millionaire and in fact, sometimes I hesitate to hand over my card when I have to spend money. Life will be very disappointing if you hold yourself to an unrealistic standard. I am learning to appreciate the process. There will always be financial struggles, someone else's life will always seem more enticing, and when you finally give into buying those shoes that have been trending for some time, suddenly they become has beens and are no longer relevant. Who would have thought, that all of this time Ive spent worrying about tomorrow, nearly caused me to miss the joys of today. There are people around me today that I will never encounter again, there are opportunities today that I will never be given again so I will take them even when it means sitting alone. Turns out this party of one, is actually a party of two, you're the guest of honor and the Host had reserved this spot just for you. God's plan is far greater than yours, the more you focus on this agenda of your own.. the more likely you will be to miss what you've been waiting for. The story that I am about to tell is one that happened about a month ago and at this point, you guys probably think that I am a complete moron or that I am a magnet for crazy people. First the website that I talked about in my previous blog, "Anonymous" and now this.. It is an absolute must read though, if you are anything like me and find yourself trusting people much more than you should.
It all started one day at work. It was a little bit slower due to heavy rains, mind you I was working in restaurant. A man came in alone and walked directly up to my register, (A very precious older man probably in his mid 60's). He had been in before and asked for my opinion on something new for him to try. Now, those who know me, know that I am the most interactive person, even with people that I don't know. I instantly opened up about my favorites and some of our best selling sandwiches! In my mind, this guy was a new friend of mine. After he got his food and was about half way finished, I went and checked on him to make sure that what I had recommended to him wasn't a mistake! Sure enough, he was enjoying it and asked me to take a seat. I didn't even hesitate considering we were slower and he was all alone. I have met many wonderful people and had created many relationships up to this point, knew my regulars by name and order, so I agreed. He was very kind and open about his life, his work, and asked me about mine. He was a wealthy man working here while his family lived away, so he would travel back and forth. I didn't go into great detail about myself because I do have a little bit of a brain. It was made known that I am just a young girl working two jobs so that I could finance school this upcoming year. He took great interest in this, considering his kids were all grown up and had become surgeons, lawyers, and business men! He made known that him and his wife have more money than they know what to do with and asked for either my number or email so that he could check in and seen how I was doing because he truly was grateful that I would invest my time with him as he spent Father's Day alone in a sandwich shop. I agreed and gave him my phone number, after all he didn't make me feel uncomfortable and even included my dad in the conversation, telling me that my dad could call him and talk numbers so that he could invest in my pursuing of ministry. Time went on and he sent me a text here and there, seemingly innocent and reminding me to have my father come in contact with him! One night, he texted me warning that he would call so that we could plan something for the following weekend while my dad was in town. To my surprise, the first thing he mentioned on the phone was going to dinner but just him and I, convincing me that he would pick me up at my house and he would cover my meal. Instantly, my heart felt heavy but I responded nicely, refusing his offer. He told me that he had just bought one of the bigger Mac computers so I could have his old laptop for school if I wanted it. The conversation was innocent until he started asking me personal questions in between regular conversation. It started out as simple as "How tall are you" then "How much do you weigh". He started profiling me with his questions and asking the color of my eyes and my age. After filling the silence with conversation to make me feel comfortable, his questions quickly became more personal, asking if I was virgin and if my boyfriend and I have sex, trying to convince me that it keeps the relationship alive. Feeling extremely violated by his questions, I sat quiet. I'm sure he could sense that I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and he changed the subject. After luring me back into conversation, he started asking me even more questions. Asking me what size of undergarments I wear and things so graphic, I couldn't put them in this blog if I wanted to. My hands are shaking just thinking about it! Anyone who knows me, knows that when I am uncomfortable I have a certain laugh which is what I responded to most of his current questions with. I didn't know what to say or what to do! I was so scared of hanging up the phone, in fear that he wouldn't want to help financially anymore because I didn't want to reject the school of my choice once again, due to financial difficulties. So I stayed on the phone, without speaking a word in response to his questions. The questions became even more graphic until finally he started becoming more aggressive and impatient with me, asking me to send pictures of myself to him since I wouldn't give him any response. At this point, I was frozen.... My mind was at a standstill, I couldn't even hang up because I was stuck. I was so disgusted with him but more with myself because I had trusted him, it was my fault that it had gotten this far. Suddenly tears started pouring from my eyes and flooding down my cheeks. With one more question, I finally picked myself up and hung up the phone. I was terrified.. The phone started to ring and I ignored it, then again his name was on my phone. He wouldn't stop calling and leaving voicemails. I finally blocked his number! Walking past my mom, trying to hide the disgust and embarrassment on my face, she stopped me and asked how the conversation went. I started weeping and fell to the floor. I could hardly get the words out of my mouth, to share with her what had just happened. I was so scared to even go to sleep and my body wouldn't stop shaking. I called off of work the next day, with fear that he was going to try to find me. For three days, I stayed in bed, wearing the same clothes and I wept until there were literally no tears left. I was so disappointed in myself! I had always been the girl that thought I was smarter than that, "Mom, I'm not stupid" was often my response when my mom would try and remind me to be careful because I spent most of my time alone. I was never scared of being alone, getting gas or going to the store. I had so much compassion for strangers and I wanted to trust people, I never wanted to be stereotypical or judgmental. I am telling this story because it is common that we give our trust to those who don't deserve it. I've had people actually request for me to write a blog based on trust and I don't think that I could have until this happened to me! There are two types of people, those that refuse to trust people because it was abused in the past and those who trust aggressively regardless of what they've been through. YOU CAN'T TRUST EVERYONE and that is okay. You can love people without trusting them, with the way things are going, it's not being judgmental or stereotypical to be cautious with the man trying to converse with you when you're all alone. There are people we should be able to trust like our parents but for some people that is not the case. If that is you and you are reading this, I want you to know that there is a Father in Heaven who hears you, He is longing to wrap his arms around you and show you what true love really feels like. If you are seeking Gods face persistently, I promise you that He will send people into your life who will love you the way that you are worthy of being loved, people that you will be able to trust with your heart. I truly believe that God gives us warnings before trust is abused. That feelings of conviction or anxiousness is a God given warning in our time of confusion, whether we choose to listen to it or not is our choice. I believe that by listening to that still small voice, that feeling in your gut, is an act of trusting Him. So first, we must learn to trust Him. Danger comes in many forms, whether it be a stranger dressed in dirty clothes or a stranger dressed in a suit and tie, it could be your friends, a boyfriend/ girlfriend, and unfortunately even family members some times. "Proverbs 3: 5-6- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will makes your paths straight." Be someone that people can trust! I am tired of people that get offended to easily and allow it to affect the way that they embrace others. Gossiping is abusing a persons trust! We've all heard it said but truly, we are all battling things that others may know nothing about! Resect one another and be someone that people can confide in, that people trust their hopes and their fears with, be a person that reminds those, whose trust has been physically or emotionally taken advantage of, that they are worthy! Living in fear is like living in captivity, you shouldn't have to be afraid of trusting people and you shouldn't withhold your love from people in fear that you can't trust them! "Proverbs 11: 13- A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret." Trust is a crucial ability, that is why it is so important that we learn to TRUST the right people. Relationships will not flourish without trust and what good is a life spent in fear that someone else is going to hurt you or neglect you. I think that the most important thing that we must do as we pursue trust is pursue forgiveness. As long as you find yourself withholding trust from people, you have not forgiven the person with whom caused you the pain or you have not forgiven yourself and you still carry the shame that either you caused yourself or that you have taken on, due to what someone else has done to you. Just like I picked up the shame from this man talking to me that way, I didn't do anything wrong yet I was taking the blame for what he had done. Those who have hurt you or made you feel violated, will be exposed. But until then, it is our job to expose people to love, unconditional and relentless love. Through love they will find hope, restoration, peace and eventually they will learn to revive TRUST! Thank you so much for reading! Praying that God would overwhelm you with His amazing love! "Romans 15: 13- May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." You probably don’t recognize me, in fact you’ve never met me before but I know you. I’m writing this letter to you not as a warning because unfortunately, it’s too late but I am utilizing this time as a reminder instead. I am writing this letter to my past self, as well as to my future self. You have come such a long way! Looking back almost a year ago, you are nothing like the person that you used to be. Now you have your moments and you can be sassier now than ever but you are happy; so very happy! By grace, you have been restored and you have been redeemed! You have so much potential and you have such a bright future ahead of you at this rate. If I could tell you anything and encourage you in any way this is what I would want you to know… You have spent a lot of your life angry and alone. If ever bitterness begins to take over the way that it once had, I pray that you would fight the urge to invest in it. Don’t blame everyone else for the pain that you feel, the self inflicted embarrassment and the guilt that you have brought upon yourself. You will never be satisfied and I pray that you’re not. Every time that you have ever looked in the mirror, you’ve reflected on the flaws. You have compared yourself to every person that you’ve ever surrounded yourself with and you have become intimidated by the people you empowered to be threats. What have you always been so afraid of? Not everyone desires to hurt you and why do you hide yourself away? You don’t recognize me now because you never knew who you were and always took on these personas of everyone else because you couldn’t find me. I’ve always been here; you’ve always looked me over. Hebrews 12:17 “…Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.” So now let me tell you about myself, I AM BEAUTIFUL. I am about 5’3 and I like change so your blonde hair is now brown, your long hair is now short (I know you never would have approved of this). I am absolutely overwhelmed with joy and I can literally laugh for hours on end, at myself... It’s actually absurd. I love people so much! I have never been more in love with Christ and I have never felt more loved by Him than I do now! I have found contentment but I am nowhere near satisfied. I am no longer bound by intimidation or anger over past hurts and my scars are nearly invisible. I have my moments and sometimes I allow my emotions to overtake me, causing a version of me that you would probably be more familiar with, to come out but never for long. I am so much better than that! I have been made new and I am no longer afraid of accepting love. In fact, I wake up every day and make the decision to love and to be loved. It’s no longer about me but about Him! Grace is on my side. Fear no longer has a hold over me and I am grateful to be alive! Let me remind you that I am Fragile but I am no longer broken. Now back to you! You have so much potential. You are worthy of the love that has been given to you and of the person that God has strategically brought you to. You are not limited by the decisions you have made and the person you used to be but you can do anything! You WILL remain pure and God is going to utilize your faithfulness to Him and your willingness for Him in a way that brings honor and glory to His name! You WILL encourage people; you WILL remain loyal to them. Before you, lay a life of opportunity and the dreams that you’ve always had, are being placed directly in front of you. Take them with courage and with humility! Always stay sweet because “everyone likes something sweet but not everyone likes something bitter.” Live a life of honor so that no one ever has anything bad to say about you. Speak with integrity and with truth! Last but not least, don’t look back. Don’t allow what once was to interfere with what could be! You are where you are for a reason and for a purpose, regardless of how you got there. Love the unlovable and give without restriction, without judgment. Forgive and bring life. Hebrews 10:14 “For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Years from now, I hope to hear back from you and I pray stability. I pray that you would pursue the life that you are destined for. Remember me but I hope the next time I hear from you, that again… You would be unrecognizable. That love would never leave you, faith would enhance you, and that grace would sustain you. You have the ability to change the world, for Christ lives in you and through Him it is possible. Become the woman WE have always dreamed of becoming! I believe in you, I always have. James 2:26 “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.” Love Yourself. For those of you reading this, I know the struggle of identity. The last year of my life was tragic for me and in a way that brought life. It literally took mourning over the death of who I used to be to become grateful and joyful for the person I was created to be! It took a year of being single and learning to appreciate the quiet times to understand the depth and greatness of what was yet to come! What feels weary and discouraging now is not a permanent feeling but instead is a temporary way of waking up what has been relaxed and worn out. A lot of times we view hardships and struggles as though God is punishing us. To punish is to "Inflict a penalty or sanction on (someone) as retribution for an offense, especially a transgression of a legal or moral code." We become angry and bitter about what we don't actually understand. God is not trying to punish you but instead He is trying to discipline you. When we think of this, we don't realize that these are actually two very different things. In the Bible it says "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."
If you go on it says "No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." To discipline is to "Train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using a punishment to correct disobedience." God's intention is not to hurt you and cripple you but to empower you and enable you in a way that shapes you. You may not be where you want to be right now but you will get there! I am not where I want to be but like you've heard before, I am so grateful to not be where I used to be! Even small steps in the right direction, are still furthering you a little bit more from the wrong one. Seek Christ and you will find yourself, a self that you can be proud of and a self you can be content with! What’s the first thing that we think of when someone complains about his or her clothes not fitting? Probably that the clothes have been grown out of, that we’ve gained too much weight; that these clothes are too small or too tight! Our generation has become absolutely obsessive with the idea of a perfect body, the ideal and the proper figure. We’ve completely enabled marketers while entirely disowning and crippling our society! Wear your make up a certain way, make sure your contour lines are this way and you are supposed to style your hair that way! Don’t eat that, you should be working out and “I would never be caught dead wearing those clothes.” We’ve become so manipulative with our opinions and truly have deceived a generation of broken teenagers, longing to find contentment and security!
The thing is that in the process of starving a generation so that they meet the standards of the animated celebrities on the cover of magazines, these clothes are not fitting them any better… Let me explain. When I was in the 8th grade, a kid at school, without realizing the power of his words, told me that I was fat. This completely destroyed me and to this day, I still am not the same! My weight and my looks became an infatuation. I was constantly pulling at my clothes to loosen them up and bought sizes that 6 years later, as an adult, I still would not fit into. I saw myself as this monster every time that I looked in the mirror, I was completely blind to the reality of my appearance but the reflection only showed me the image my mind wanted me to see! I completely altered my entire routine! If I ate food throughout the day, I locked myself away in the bathroom and forced a toothbrush down my throat until I felt I had thrown up every thing that I had eaten and then some. I worked out in the morning when I woke up, after school and again before bed. Then there were days that I refused to eat at all. In a matter of weeks, I had gone down from a size 1 (which was already small) to a size 00. My clothes didn’t fit! What I thought was becoming acceptable, still was leaving me uncomfortable. I found no satisfaction because I still refused to wear tight clothes, in fear of revealing any “fat”. After my parents became aware of what was going on, I was able to stable up my habits a little bit but mentally, was still distraught. All through high school, I pulled at my clothes and starved myself the week before each dance so that I would look “beautiful” in my dresses. I was absolutely obsessed with trying to mirror the perfection that I saw on the big screen. I’ve seen it over and over again, where girls completely alter their entire lives to meet this expectation that our generation has placed on them and for what? In the end, we’re still left insecure! Whether you gain too much weight or you loose too much of it, our clothes still aren’t fitting! I am saying from the perspective of your average 5’3” girl, with an average weight, that you are beautiful and the people you find perfect; find someone else perfect. We have become our own worst enemies and the biggest bully in our lives, has become ourselves. As a girl who has weighed as little as 100 pounds all the way up to 155 pounds, the struggle for perfection and this pursuit of acceptance whether with others or for yourself is no longer necessary! Whether something has been said to and/or about you. Let it go! Maybe nothing has been said to you but you are longing to be looked at the way guys look at those other girls... It breaks my heart to see girls that were once absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, who have allowed the enemy to whisper sweet nothings in their ear that left them empty and longing to feel something. So much so that they completely lose control of their body’s attempts to seek satisfaction! The worst part is that although these girls are still beautiful, they look not only unhappy but also unhealthy and now, no one is looking at them as overweight (just the same as they weren’t before) but now they see you as under it! Women it is time that we stop allowing our generation, our society to decide what looks good on us and what doesn’t. I will not allow for another person I know to lose themselves so that they meet the worlds expectation of beautiful. Do things for yourself! Challenge yourself to be better, to get stronger, to be healthier. Don’t degrade yourself for the way that you don’t look. WE ARE GIRLS, I get it. Some days we wake up insecure! There are two battles that occur on a regular basis; the battle between you and your reflection, the battle between your reflection and someone else’s. As girls, we compare ourselves to just about every other female figure on the planet. Us single ladies are constantly nitpicking ourselves to receive attention and you taken ladies are usually manipulating yourself so that way you don’t lose it! “His ex girlfriend his so pretty”, “There is so much better out there,” “I’m not pretty enough... I’m not skinny enough.” We are all guilty of this! Don’t try to alter your body to fit this idea of perfection, adjust your thoughts so that way this idea doesn’t alter your body’s physical and mental perfections! Until you appreciate yourself and learn to love yourself, you will never be good enough. Sounds brutal. Sorry that I have to be the one to break it to you! Two important things that will allow healing and restoration in this aspect of your life: LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. Look in the mirror and train your mind to see the good things, the features that you do love about yourself. If you can’t do that right now, take the mirrors out of your room until you can! Use them only when getting ready! Put post it notes in your room, with scriptures or quotes; reminders of how beautiful you truly are! Song of Solomon 4:7- You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. Stop comparing yourself to others! Utilize the way others enhance the features that you notice and give it a try! Try doing your make up a different way! Do something different with your hair, maybe dress up or even dress down your outfit a little bit! Eat healthy! Drink a lot of water and don’t eat anything that you are going to be hard on yourself about later. Most importantly, be someone who is beautiful from the inside. Someone who, aside from your own insecurities, encourages and brings out the best in others. Someone who looks for the gold and reminds others of their beauty too, not someone who envies anothers beauty so much that they become bitter. 1 Peter 3:3-4- Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair and the putting of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. LEARN TO ACCEPT LOVE The Bible says that we are created in God’s image. He finds us beautiful and it’s time we stop blaming him for our insecurities. He didn’t mess up, he didn’t make a mistake. He loves you and we are the ones labeling ourselves. Psalm 129:14- I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Seek love, a love that is beyond beautiful. It’s hard to be discouraged when you are overwhelmed with joy and contentment that only grace could provide! Psalm 147: 3- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Wow! So it has been awhile since I was last on here and I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for my next entry! The last few weeks have been insane! From Montana to Missouri and then coming home and working two jobs, I lost all track of time but not again! Pinky promise.
Goodness! So I started an entire other entry and I promise to post that with time but I woke up with something entirely different on my heart.. Therefore, bare with me because I am completely starting over and we're going live tonight! Everyone is aware of this Kylie Jenner lip challenge I'm sure. You've seen it blasted all over social media, right?! KYLIE JENNER IS EVERYWHERE and the majority of the feedback I see, is negative towards her. Funny.. Right? Our society has put forth dramatic effort in recognizing this young lady, only to complain about her. Why don't we just stop talking about her? I read an article or blog post, whichever it was... Comparing Kylie Jenner to Sadie Robertson. Can I just say that I did not get half way through before exiting out? My heart absolutely broke and I cannot help but wonder, what in the world is wrong with us! To compare two very different girls from two very different worlds on a public site that completely trashes one young lady while building the other up. DISGUSTING! I couldn't help but laugh at this post because here, we are trying to acknowledge and appreciate Sadie Robertson for living a Godly life while condemning another because she is not! Look at the ways both of these young ladies were raised. It is difficult living a life of purity, integrity, and encouragement under the spotlight as it is but imagine trying to do that when you don't even know what that looks like! Sadie Robertson was raised up with a firm foundation, a family that was grounded in the Lord before they ever reached television. Kylie Jenner was born into a family that truly knows nothing outside of fame and fortune! Why in the world would we compare the two? I know that when I was not living a life that honored God, I would have been so angry and that I would have become very bitter towards the person that people were comparing me to. Do you truly think that with all of this negativity and condemnation, this 17 year old girl is going to even think of becoming the woman she has the potential of becoming? No, because our society likes to belittle people, giving them little to no hope that they even have the ability to be better than they are! As an 18 year old girl, I have so much respect for Sadie Robertson. My entire life has been under the spotlight and people have always been watching me, the pressure almost broke me and I had only a small percentage of the people Sadie does, watching me! I don't dislike Kylie Jenner for her choice of clothing, the pictures that she posts or the life that she is choosing to live. Instead, my heart is broken for a girl that is beautiful, beyond all of the make up and the surgeries! A young lady that will never know true freedom because she is living a life of captivity; bound by money, sensuality, and constant condemnation. My heart breaks for a girl who will never respect herself the way that she deserves because she has millions of people telling her that she is unworthy of it! I believe that God sees these young ladies the same and that He loves them as equals! He doesn't see Kylie for her posts on Instagram but for the woman that He has called her to be, whether she chooses to respond or not. Romans 5:8 "But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." More than likely, there are young ladies reading this who are living a life that you are not entirely proud of. Don't worry about the opinions of those watching you. Chances are that in your heart, there is something either provoking you to make the shameful decisions that you are or there is something that is hindering you from altering your image into a respectable one. If anyone has ever come against you or hurt you, I am personally apologizing on behalf of them. The daddies that weren't there to show you the love and the respect that you deserve, the moms that called you names or said things you've yet to let go of. You are so beautiful and so worthy of a love that will cherish you, that will respect you, and that will bring healing to the scars left behind. You are deserving a man that tells you you're beautiful, that goes out of his way for you, that makes endless efforts just to remind you of his love for you! No matter your circumstance, seek God's love and love will find you! Be a lady of self respect, class, self worth. 1 John 4: 7-8 "Beloved let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born from God and knows God. Anyone who does not love, does not know God because God is love." To my guys, thank you! Too many times you guys get the short end of the stick and the pressure is on you more than anyone! Maybe your fathers weren't around and you have no respectable figure in your life to represent the way a man is supposed to act. That's okay. It is never to late to respect yourself and to step up, accepting the position that you've been called to fill. Think of what a real man looks like to you then be that man! Be a man of integrity, self respect, motivation, a man who is committed and who is destined to achieve! Truth be told, we are all sinners! We all are going to mess up and we all are undeserving of the mercy that's been shown to us! Kylie Jenner is no worse than most of us are, her decisions are just blasted on the front page of every magazine and Sadie Robertson is no better than us either, she is utilizing the position that God has entrusted with her in a way that brings glory and honor to Him! Ephesians 2:4-5 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved." For a week I am challenging you to look in the mirror and encourage yourself, speak positive things not only over yourself but over others as well. I did a positive challenge all last week and can I just say that I had never felt better, even about myself! It's hard to even see the negative things when you're focused on the positive things instead. So for one week, regardless of what takes place, choose to look for one thing positive. Treat people kindly and respect yourself. ONE WEEK, I will do it too. Let's go! From the time we are children, barely learning to talk, we are surrounded by the pressure of becoming something, SOMEONE! Growing up, we all have dreamt of becoming rock stars, fire fighters, doctors, cowboys, princesses, etc. and our whole lives are based on working towards the person we dream of becoming! As a child, the possibilities are endless; the image is so exciting! As time goes on, the thought of whom we’re going to be and what it’s going to take to get there is terrifying and the pressure is overwhelming sometimes! Where has the imagination gone? Have you given up? Are you frustrated with where you’re at and losing hope in dreams you once held tight? Well, if you answered yes to any of the above then you don’t want to stop reading! If you’re not quite there yet, someday you might be and I think this blog will be just as relevant to you as anyone!
As I mentioned in my first blog “Handle With Care”, I thought that I had everything figured out after I graduated from high school. My dreams were arms length away and there was only a summer break standing between me and achieving them. My whole life I had wanted to lead worship but never felt good enough. It always seemed too far; too out of reach and starting my junior year everything started to fall together! My senior year, I was accepted into a school of ministry for worship! I could not be more excited, I felt like my mom and I were at TJ Maxx every other weekend buying new things for my apartment! As summer came to an end and as the school year grew extremely close, my family realized that financially it just was out of our budget! I grew extremely mad. I blamed everyone! I was mad at my parents, I was mad at myself for not doing better in school but I was the angriest with God. I had myself convinced that I had been right all along; I was never good enough! I refused to take part in anything that had to do with ministry or church or anything! I became extremely rebellious and without realizing, became an entirely different person. From moving out of my house to trying to separate my bank accounts from my parents. I worked every day and partied every night. It became routine and the longer I associated myself with this lifestyle the less I recognized the person I had been before. In every way possible, I was different. Once I stepped away from this lifestyle, I began to find hope again! Although I had still given up, to an extent, on worship, due to insecurity and fear of rejection, I was determined to become something! I had always been good at hair and make up and always had dreamed of becoming a cosmetologist on the side. Therefore, this was my chance! I applied to a few different cosmetology schools and after scheduling a tour date, received a call from the school of ministry that I had already crossed off of my list of possibilities! Now I have a scheduled tour date and have applied for multiple scholarships so that I can attend this fall. Not only that but I am also going to Montana to help with worship for Easter Sunday. One thing, I have noticed with people is that everyone has dreams but it’s become absurd for people to actually achieve them! If there is something that you want to learn or that you enjoy, you should at least give it a chance! You should always pursue your dreams whole-heartedly. Regain the confidence in yourself! This isn’t dress up anymore… You can actually be anything that you want to be! I am that person who wants to be just about everything, I want to be a cosmetologist, a worship leader, a fashion designer, and most importantly someone who encourages people; who leaves people feeling better than I find them! After a long year of waiting and dreaming, I am enrolled in the same school of ministry, looking at a cosmetology school the year after and I just recently made my own Easter dress from scratch! Not only that but I do my best to blog, whether anyone reads it or not! My dreams seemed absolutely impossible a year ago and now I’m slowly achieving all of them. It is possible! You have the ability and the potential to do anything that you’ve ever wanted to, you just have to take a chance and make it happen! The only thing standing between you and your dreams is yourself! Stop saying you want to do things, I want to learn how to sew or I want to learn how to play an instrument, just do them! I want people to see me and be inspired by me, I don’t want people to look at me and want to be just like me! What good would the world be if there were only a million little Jayden Montera’s walking around! Take the time to get to know your self. This last year, I have had very little distraction and have been able to figure out everything that I want and the person I want to be. Don’t be discouraged because you don’t know what your future holds yet. It’s hard to be out of God’s will when you’re completely surrendered to His promises! God will guide you in the direction He wants you to go, when the time is right! I personally find it ignorant though to sit around doing nothing just because you are waiting. Pursue God and the dreams that only He could have instilled in your heart. Psalms 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I am a firm believer that as you pursue God, your desires begin to change. Your desires are no longer your own but you become passionate about the things that He’s passionate about. Just the same as your attitude becomes a lot like those with whom you surround yourself! Therefore, if you are pursuing God faithfully, and you pursue the desires of your heart, you’re getting much closer to the destination that He has set aside for you! Another one of my favorite scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” If you are faithful to God, He will be faithful to you! Stop worrying so much about what the future holds and start focusing on what’s right in front of you. Enjoy the journey and allow it to prepare you for your destination! Never lose faith in yourself and don’t be afraid to try! As far as I’m concerned, until the day we die, we will always have some growing up to do! No matter how old you are or what your circumstance is, you can be anything that you want to be! God knows what He’s doing and what seems like a disaster is only the temporary, He sees past the blue prints. He sees the masterpiece! No more excuses. |
Purpose of BlogI am just a regular mom and typical preacher's daughter, living and learning day by day. Facing the inevitable and learning to embrace flaws! I'm finding beauty in disaster, contentment in disappointment, and hope where it's become impractical. I'm here to provide support in learning to love yourself, love your life and embrace the scars and the stories left behind, obstacles you've encountered and the suffering you've endured. Archives
October 2018
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