Suicide,
I hope you weren’t expecting a more warm welcome. My hatred for you runs deep. Your name makes me sick and your company has pushed me past my limit. Are you happy having your name on billboards and plastered across every screen? Do you feel accomplished as people across the globe scroll through their newsfeeds reading about the affect you’ve had. It seems as though a new face with the same story is uncovered every day, telling the tale of your accomplishments. While you gloat, my goosebumps nearly tear through the skin tissue they lie beneath. My heart physically aches for those that have found themselves tangled up in your lies and those still bundled up by the things you have disguised as truth. You are smart. You have used depression and anxiety as a gateway to your counsel. You make them do the dirty work while you camouflage yourself into what looks like freedom. I have stared into the dark depths of your existence and I have entertained your presence while you have continuously tried to manipulate me. Your friend depression held me captive. There were so many nights that I would lie awake, begging for the pain to stop. There were mornings where my body fell limp and melted into the mattress like a memory foam. The sheets embraced me and the terrifying regret I would later feel about wasting another day in bed seemed more comforting than the idea of getting up, getting ready and facing another day of disappointment. To hear someone ask me how I was doing when the truth would never make sense and “I’m good” was all they were anticipating to hear anyhow. People ask but a lot of people don’t care. They ask because they feel like they’re supposed to, that is the polite thing to do. Unless you’ve ever felt empty, you can never really recognize what it’s like to not be full. Crying, it started to feel normal. Depression convinced me that feeling sad was normal. Crying myself to sleep and waking up with swollen eyes was routine for me. Depression didn’t follow me though. Depression would wait for me. If I had to go to work or I had to appear somewhere outside the four walls of my bedroom, I really was fine. It wasn’t a mask that I was putting on and it wasn’t a smile that I was faking. You see suicide, I knew about you and I had become your acquaintance but I never wanted anyone else to meet you. I thought maybe if someone had to go, if it was written down somewhere that suicide was going to kidnap the soul of someone than maybe it could be me and it wouldn’t have to be someone else. If I went out, I gave my best. I was my kindest, I was the most understanding and the least judgmental because I was determined to make sure that no one else I knew ever found themselves in conversation with you. I wanted to make them happy, to be that ear that would listen and the heart that genuinely cared. Every shift came to an end and I would end up home with depression and he would tell me all of the things I wanted to hear. That no one loved me, that I was never going to be good enough and that my dreams were too big. He reminded me of all the things that I hated about myself. He would often times lead me to a mirror and point out every flaw and then some until flaws were all I could identify. Then depression would invite anxiety. Anxiety came less often. She didn’t have to come often because her visits were more impressionable. Depression would make me feel sad because of everything I couldn’t do but anxiety is the reason I ever believed that I couldn’t. Anxiety is why depression stayed the night. Its like watching a scary movie as a child and sneaking into your parents room for comfort. Anxiety came with fear. She would present to me my goals, my dreams, my accomplishments and she would show me how far behind I was. She liked to intimidate me. She’d come out of no where, uninvited. Depression seemed to bring me peace. After panic attacks, depression would come and slow me down. Depression felt like acceptance and crying myself to sleep felt more peaceful than my previous gasps for air and elevated heart rates. I blamed insecurity for ever introducing me to depression, who later invited anxiety. They must have talked about me and bragged about the success they were having because hopelessness got a hold of me. Hopelessness almost got me. He took everything that I had and left me weak. It was the idea that nothing was ever going to get better and nothing was going to change that got me twisted. All of my longing to protect other people seemed unrealistic and unsuccessful. My writing was never going to get better, my words were never going to connect and my existence was simply useless. I recall even sharing with a person or two that I was simply a waste of space. I started to believe that I was just in the way and that I was just taking up oxygen. I started disappearing. The days weren’t going to get better and I was never going to get closer. This feeling was never going to go away and that was when they told me about you. They gave me a business card and they appeared to be helping me but I know now that this was always the plan. None of you are friends, you are business partners and depression is simply the face of your campaign. Suicide, you’ve hosted too many funerals and you’ve made headlines too many times. You’ve camouflaged your system with ‘overdose’ when celebrities have tried to temporarily escape your prison with other forms of poison. You have manipulated a generation that just wants to feel beautiful, loved, accepted, and capable. You have used rape, abuse, bullying, money, and power to prey on your victims. You have divided families, friends, and you have turned women against men. Enough is enough. You have no power over me! You did not win and never again will I find peace in your name. I will spend the rest of my life unveiling your tricks and shedding light to your lies. I will live a life of love and I will be successful. I am beautiful and I am strong. I hope someday you lie awake, fearing the future in my name and that you cry yourself to sleep because of me.
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Purpose of BlogI am just a regular mom and typical preacher's daughter, living and learning day by day. Facing the inevitable and learning to embrace flaws! I'm finding beauty in disaster, contentment in disappointment, and hope where it's become impractical. I'm here to provide support in learning to love yourself, love your life and embrace the scars and the stories left behind, obstacles you've encountered and the suffering you've endured. Archives
October 2018
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