2018. Finally. I could easily sit here and list a number of reasons that I absolutely despised 2017 but that's not really the point of this blog. Nor would that be the truth. There were a lot of things that happened last year that weren't fun, growing pains never really are, but it was good for me. So where do I start? Well, lets start at the beginning of last year because I still get a lot of questions, funny looks, and my name probably makes the list at girls night or even guys night maybe when people I know get together.. Wasn't I engaged? Oh yeah, I totally forgot. I am so glad you guys reminded me because it literally slipped my mind. Seriously? I don't know if you're asking because you're curious or because you think I accidentally missed my own wedding? Whatever. YES! The answer is yes. I was engaged and no I didn't forget, unfortunately that's not really one of the scenario's you can slip under the rug. Or maybe, I just need to get a bigger rug?If one of you knows where I can find one, please do let me know. Anyways. Obviously I'm not married and I'm definitely not engaged anymore. Things didn't work out. Things don't always work out. Secrets don't make friends and they definitely don't make spouses. I have dreamt my whole life of what love should look like, I have never expected prince charming to come knocking at my door with a glass slipper but I have always expected love to be patient, kind, gracious, forgiving, selfless, you know.. the way God loves us. I have always dreamt of someone who put God's heart first, who knew how to love me because He understood the love of the Father. Although calling off an engagement was probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, I would rather be the topic of gossip than risk losing the life I know God has in store for me and the person, I have always believed God set aside for me. So let's leave that one there because I am not angry, I am not bitter. In fact I am so happy and I feel so blessed. I have never been more grateful for closed doors. Next up, BEAUTY SCHOOL. What a wreck. If you've ever been there then you understand the whole beauty school drop out thing. Its literally terrifying. You can know someone and not even recognize them the next day because they literally paint a new face on physically and emotionally every other day, I never knew how many more colors existed until I saw them all displayed on different people's heads, every once in a while.. one person would model them all, via foe hawk It's crazy. Did I mention, they're vicious? They'll bite your hand off if you get to close or look at them to long, it's a zoo minus the fences. Why aren't there fences? There should really be fences.. Still thanking God I made it out in one piece and without rainbow hair. If I am being completely honest, I think I contemplated quitting at least once a week. The minute you walk in there is this chameleon poison in the air and it's extremely hard to avoid becoming just like every other person in that building. It's hard to not draw your eyebrows on thicker, to not make your smokey eye darker, to not make your tips red, or green, blue, or purple. It's hard to be the only person not wearing extensions. Should I have extensions? Maybe I should like shave my head, or do a cool design though? OMGOSH, I HAVE TO WEAR THOSE KNEE HIGH BLACK BOOTS, because duh, they'll match all of my other black stuff that I have to wear. Your soul becomes as black as your closet (if you didn't know, you literally do have to wear all black ALL the time). It is so hard to just stay sweet and stay gracious in a black hole like beauty school and all sarcasm aside, I am truly grateful to be out of that atmosphere. I crave sincerity, I want friends that want to see me succeed and that can encourage me as I encourage them. I want friends that are lifelong, that see more than just what is right in front of them, someone with dreams. Don't get me wrong, I met AMAZING people but spiritually, it was the most discouraging time of my life. So that basically sums up the time that y'all have missed. Aside from that, on a real note now.. I have spiritually had the hardest time going deeper. I have allowed myself to drift and to become dry. I have felt Godless for a while now. In the midst of my discouragement, in the midst of my bitterness, I have allowed myself to become numb to Him. I haven't blamed Him for my struggles but I've felt abandoned. I have felt neglected. I have felt like my ministry plans and hopes have dried up, I have felt like my purpose has withered away.
I have allowed my emptiness in this world to determine my destiny. I have allowed that feeling of loneliness to define my position in His presence. I have allowed peoples' discouragement to become my belief system . I have allowed my comfort zone to defeat my purpose. I refuse to live a life of regret. Does that mean I am going to live recklessly and choose to overlook the guilt and shame of my decisions? No. I am choosing to live a life that is not defined by regrets. I am choosing to live a life that is Godly, that is honorable, a life that I don't have to feel sorry for, that I don't have to blame Vegas for. I want to live a life and make decisions that I don't have to leave behind every year because I'm so disgusted by who I have been, so much so that I try to redefine myself every 365 days. It's not about a new year or a new me. I read a scripture that has changed everything for me, "Remember these things Jacob, for you, Isreal, are my servant; Isreal, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." "I WILL NOT FORGET YOU." We serve a gracious God, one that loves us amidst our mess. He is not above forgiving us. So if you've read this, forgive yourself for whatever you have allowed to weigh on you, whatever regrets you have, whatever mistakes you've made. Allow Him to love you, to forgive you, and to make you new so that you can start a life above regrets. So glad to be back, tune in next time! Leave comments and contact me if you want a topic covered by me!
1 Comment
Charlie Montera
1/4/2018 09:20:24 pm
Very gr8 words JayBird so very proud of you yesterday ,today and tomorrow
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Purpose of BlogI am just a regular mom and typical preacher's daughter, living and learning day by day. Facing the inevitable and learning to embrace flaws! I'm finding beauty in disaster, contentment in disappointment, and hope where it's become impractical. I'm here to provide support in learning to love yourself, love your life and embrace the scars and the stories left behind, obstacles you've encountered and the suffering you've endured. Archives
October 2018
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